Loki Must Have a Bathroom
by ThanksIllPass
Summary: Avengers watching Loki in his cell. More precisely in a bathroom that should have been there. I can't even summarize it. Warnings: poor crack and gay gayness that no amount of non-gayness would ungay.


DISCLAIMER: Not mine. I'm just making them do things they wouldn't in the movie.

Okay so, basically my friends and I were outraged about how Loki didn't have a bathroom in his cell when he was held in custody by S.H.I.E.L.D. I mean, it's Loki. Loki needs his bathroom. He's a diva. So yeah, I decided that, since I can't draw, we at least need a "fangirl's cut" and... here it is.

* * *

Thor was just merrily strolling around the base, when... Okay, scratch that. Let's get serious here. The world is on the brink of war. Again! Thor was just storming through the base, trying to formulate a brilliant, yet stealthy, plan to get inside Loki's cell. Of course, his motives were highly ulterior, hence his unbreakable determination. Suddenly, something caught his attention. The rest of the Avengers were sitting on probably very uncomfortable, plastic chairs, engrossed in discussion, and eating popcorn. _Have they perhaps gathered to look at a magic box full of little people doing variety of entertaining things?_, Thor pondered. He heard only scraps of their conversation, so he quietly moved a bit closer, not wanting to bother them with his presence. He heard the monotone voice of Bruce Banner:

"His technique, although most probably intended to be leisurely, is highly effective at the same time. Look at how he covers vast areas with so little movement and..."

"Please, speak English," Captain America interrupted, his voice heavy with discomfort. "Or don't speak at all. Yes, let's not talk about it. Let's not look at it. Please, is it embarrassing only for me?"

"His technique is effective alright," admitted Hawkeye, stuffing his mouth with popcorn, as if Rogers hasn't spoken at all. "On me. I mean... damn."

"And me," Black Widow chipped. "That really tells you something."

Everyone laughed at that, and Thor just couldn't ignore it. Whenever merry-making took place, Thor was there. He closed the distance between himself and the group with three godly steps and froze. He couldn't believe his eyes, and his vision was 20/20 (another proof of his undeniable godliness). The Avengers were sitting in front of Loki's cell, as if they were sitting in front of a cage containing an exotic animal, while Loki was _showering_. It was impossible for Loki not to notice their presence, yet he seemed not to be bothered by this. On the contrary, he was putting on quite a show for them. His movements were more sensual than practical, and judging by the amount of popcorn left, Loki should have finished _centuries_ ago. Outrageous! But the worst was yet to come. Just as Captain succeeded in convincing Tony Stark to leave, Loki dropped the soap. Please, believe it, the god of mischief made sure, that everyone watching knew precisely how _not_-accidental it was. Everyone held their breaths, and Rogers removed his hand from Stark's shoulder to put it over his eyes, blushing furiously. Fortunately, before Loki could make a very (Thor was sure of it) predatory move towards the soap, Thor's warrior's instincts have awoken. He was between the lustful eyes and the object of their desire in a split of a second, spreading his cape open wide, in order to cover all he possibly could.

"Vultures!" he roared. "How dare you! How dare you look at god's possession without his consent, vermin! I shall smite you!"

"Dude, are you frigging kidding me, move your ass, so I can see _his_ ass!" ranted Hawkeye. "Nat, pass me the bow, I'm gonna kill him."

"I warn you, mortals!" Thor thundered.

"This is utterly ridiculous," said Stark. "I almost got maimed for calling Loki 'my stuff' as a mere _joke_, and here you are, objectifying him like it was nothing. There is no justice! You're the Avengers, do something about it! And you, pretty boy! You are a god alright, an unrivaled god of hypocrisy!"

"Speak English," Thor and Captain America said in unison.

"Never mind, just _move_!" ordered Stark. "Or better, get in there, and wash his back. I assume there are no objections?"

"I object!" yelled Steve.

"Why?" asked everyone, except for Thor.

Just as they were about to go all out on each other, Loki cleared his throat. He was leaning against the wall, wearing his armor and his trademark evil smirk. Everyone fell silent, and fixed their eyes on Loki.

"Do you mind if I...? It is going to take a while, but you are _obviously_ bored enough to spare me a moment. Ah, it is as if you do not have a planet to defend. Marvelous, is it not? Alright. First of all. You lot are a bunch of wonderfully disgusting creatures with perverse minds, especially you two, socially-impaired agents. I must say, for this, I have a smidgen of respect for you. But do not get full of yourselves just yet. Now, Captain America. You, I _despise_. No spine at all. Pathetic virgin. Hulk. I beg of you, stop being a vagina, and change already. Maybe then you will be able to appreciate more than just my _technique_ of seduction, and actually allow yourself to get seduced, you frigid ass! Thor, my dear not-brother. It is high time you learned that not everything belongs to you. Most certainly, _I_ do not. I trusted, that you have fully acknowledged that, ever since the fact of my adoption came to light, you would have to pay for my services. Living on your own in hostile worlds is unbelievably difficult, not that you would have the faintest idea. And you, Mr. Stark, you are a piece of art. You are even a bigger oaf than Thor, although I would never image it was possible at all. If it were not for my current position, I would behead you, and mutilate your corpse, for belittling me in a manner you recently have. And one more thing. You are not the _Justice League_, you imbecile. You are not here to defend justice, you are here to avenge. Exactly how stupid are you? Also, what would you call the way you hide your feeble, yet _immensely_ perverse, mind with phony eloquence, if not hypocrisy? I am finished now. You still have time to reflect upon you actions, and kneel before me. I am indeed a merciful god."

Everyone watched the trickster in grave silence. Then, they looked at each other, eyes lingering, coming to an unspoken agreement. In that moment, all of the Avengers, forgetting all of their differences and personal animosities, agreed on something, without needless quarrels and demolitions, for the first, and let's hope not the last, time...

"SHUT THE HELL UP AND GET NAKED, YOU USELESS PIECE OF SHIT, OR WE'RE HITTING THE RED BUTTON!"


End file.
